Spoiled

I read a little book this weekend by Roald Dahl--it's called "Boy: Tales of Childhood", or something like that. Basically it's a biography of Dahl's childhood. It was short, and read somewhat like a chapter book, but I would certainly never reccomend it to a child. It made me ever so grateful to be born when and where I was. It's almost unbelievable the experiences he had--stories about being caned in school, surgeries with no anesthetic, and constantly being accused of lying by teachers--you sort of wonder how they lived through it! I don't know that I've ever really experienced anything quite like it, though I do hate going to the dentist because the local anesthetic doesn't always really work for me!

Selfish!

I've discovered something about myself (or maybe I've always known and just been in denial): I am a selfish person! I don't mean selfish in the sense that I'm a college student and therefore am only focusing on my education and not serving other people, etc. I mean that I am constantly only worried about me, about how others peoples' actions affect me, about how they inconvenience or offend me.

For instance, today there was a person playing the piano in the adjacent practice room, pounding out something they obviously made up. I was going crazy. I thought to myself, "Why does this talentless individual feel the need to play fake music in a room next to me, who am a talented graduate student?" Can we see the problem here? Good heavens! How about I just pray for the Lord to strip me of the gifts which He has lovingly, and I'm assuming trustingly, given me. Why should it inconvenience me if a person has a desire to create music, and therefore does it in the best way they know how, even if that consists of trying to learn every piece by John Schmidt? If they feel like they've accomplished something great and something hard, who am I to say, "Pshah, you think you're cool now, but you're not. Now get out of my building." Of course they're cool! Just the same as if I learn a difficult concerto, even though it may be mediocre, I'm cool for doing my best, even though Oistrakh and Perlman and Heifetz and Joshua Bell and Hillary Hahn can all do it 100 times better.

I think it would be like me going to the BYU pool (which has been one of my goals for months, and which I'm GOING to do as soon as they reopen it) and having the person I share a lane with think, and/or say, "You shouldn't be here. This pool is for people that actually know how to swim and have good form. If you're going to bother trying, do it somewhere where you won't be in my way." I can't think of anybody that would do that (except, I suppose, myself). Sigh!

I've actually been thinking about this a lot. When I drive I think, "Ooh, shame on that person that is going the speed limit when I want to go faster," or "Doesn't that person realize that I need to be in that lane and it's not my fault I didn't get over sooner?" or in general, "Why can't everybody just get out of my way! If it weren't for everyone else, I'd have gotten there 10 minutes ago!"

I'm also selfish in my situation with rommates, customer service people, and even people at church (funny story this last Sunday about that, which probably should not be shared on a blog). Multiple times each day I dwell on some way in which other people are "in my way" or "bugging me" or not considering my expert opinion on how things "ought to be done." I think if I thought in the opposite direction (ways that I might be inconveniencing other people) I would become really depressed.

I apologize for being so frank and open about my shortcomings. I hope I haven't disillusioned any of you--I suppose most of you know me too well to be surprised. I share this only because I hope that by admitting my shortcoming it will lead to quicker repentance. I've got the confession part down, now if I can just manage the forsaking part. Wish me luck!

Homecoming

How time flies! I've been home from my mission longer than I was there, which hardly seems possible. And as time passes the memories fade, little by little. At first names are fuzzy, and then events are forgotten (until someone says,
"Remember when . . . " and my memory is jogged just a little). How I long to return to that time. I wish I could do some things differently, but I also wish I could again be the person I was, experiencing the things I experienced. What a blessing a mission was for me!

(Here I just have to say, I wish I had my pictures on CD--because all I'm left with are a bunch of random pictures compiled by the APs. And not a single picture of just the Tops among them. You can see them hidden in this picture.)


The cause of these reflections? My mission president and his wife, the Tops, had their homecoming today. And they invited all their missionaries to come (there were definitely a lot of missionaries that came!). It was interesting to see all these people I served with in a similar setting to the one in which I saw them on the mission--in a chapel or church foyer--and yet to realize that what we're all doing now is so different than that which we were doing before. I met wives and fiances (interestingly enough, no husbands--those sisters must all be out of state), and I just wanted to tell some of these girls how absolutely lucky they were. But I'm sure they probably already know that. It was interesting to see missionaries that I didn't serve with and realize that the work is still going on, even though I'm home!

I was going to say a word or two about my mission president and his wife, but I really don't think I can do them justice. I can think of a few words to describe them though: powerful teachers, humble, diligent, witty, patient, loving, and oh so much more! I wish I could figure out how to put audio on my blog because one of the elders from my mission wrote his own words to "You're the Tops" and recorded it. It's hilarious--and fitting.

Hope you don't mind my random train of thought here. But I write what I'm thinking about, and this is definitely what I've been thinking about today!

Nothing new

Life is much the same as usual. So I don't know why I'm posting. Perhaps I'm searching for a way to reach the outside world as I sit cooped up in a practice room. I think I will write as if we are having a phone conversation, and, as most of my phone conversations go, I will proceed to tell you random facts about my day-to-day.

I have decided to ban myself from TV. What a distraction that can be! Entertaining as "What Not to Wear" is, I don't think it's the best use of my time.

I spent the weekend in Las Vegas because I had a companion get married--always nice to have an excuse to go to Vegas. We (we being myself and another sister from my mission) stayed with Ryan and Amy Fitzgibbons. It was lovely. I love those folks a whole lot! We spent some time learning what a distraction the Wii can be. If you haven't discovered it yet, it's best to just stay away. Lucky for me, I'm horrible at video games so the fact that I consistently lose keeps me far from them most of the time. The highlight of the trip (besides being with some of my favorite people, of course), was watching the Bellagio fountains, or water-show, or whatever it's called. Every time I've been to Vegas I've tried to go. And believe it or not, every other time I've been it's been too windy so they've cancelled it. But not this trip! If you haven't been it's pretty spectacular. I wouldn't say it's worth a trip down to Vegas, but if you're already going to be there, you should definitely go.

I have nothing else to share. Short conversation, though I suppose if we were really talking on the phone it might have been a little bit longer. After all, I do try and act interested in other people's lives, even though I spend most of the time talking about mine. Yeah, trying to work on not being so selfish too. So much to do.