Crying

I don't like to cry. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not inclined to cry much in the first place, and therefore I'm not very used to it. Or maybe it's really the other way around--maybe I'm not inclined to cry because I don't like it because of some forgotten experience that is deep-rooted in my subconscious. Who knows.

But back to my original point. Even worse than crying is crying in public. I avoid it at all costs! Lucky for me I am pretty good at suppressing any tears that may try to push through. Probably
not very healthy, I know, but there you have it.

So I know this seems like a weird topic, but I guess it's been on my mind a lot the last couple of days. For some reason, I was close to tears all day yesterday. Not for any specific reasons. I guess my excuse would be, "because I'm a girl." I wasn't sad, or upset (to my knowledge). Actually, one of the moments where I almost cried was in the middle of teaching violin lessons. Some of the girls I teach were playing a Christmas duet and it was really touching. And I almost cried.

Today I had a reason to cry. I found out this morning that one of our percussion players took his life Wednesday evening. So sad! It's hard to think about the state someone would have to be in to want to end their own life. It made me grateful that that has never been one of my trials. But it also made me think of the people I know who struggle with depression and the constant battles they face to want to keep going each day. It made me realize the delicacy of life. It made me want to love better, to lift more. To live better and more fully.

Our rehearsal today, as you can imagine, was not typical. Kory, as usual, handled it perfectly, discussing his knowledge of the atonement and the Savior's love for this young man. He talked about the way that being in an orchestra bonds you to the other members, even though you may not know them well. He shared some scriptures and some words from Elder Wirthlin's last talk. Everything he said was so appropriate. There were many tears shed. I did not cry. I did not let myself. I did not let myself cry as Nate, weeping, said one of the most beautiful, sincere, and profound prayers I have ever heard. I kept my eyes open so I wouldn't. And still, as I write this, I do not let myself cry. And I'm not sure why.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm blogging about this. I suppose it's a little personal. Partly because I don't know how else to release these feelings I'm having. I'm sad, but I'm grateful. And I'm happy. I have so much happiness in my life right now. I don't like talking about sad things very much. Probably because I don't want to cry. I often like to deal with things internally. And even yesterday, when I didn't have this great tragedy to cry about, when the tears were close to the surface all day--now as I reflect, perhaps it was my body's way of trying to release something. Maybe some stress or something. And I didn't it allow it. Maybe I should cry. I probably won't.

Thanks though--I feel much better.

Good idea/Bad idea

Remember the good idea/bad idea segments on Animaniacs? Ha! Good memories.

So the question I pose to you today is: What's worse than having to listen The 12 Days of Christmas while shopping at the grocery store?

Answer: Having to listen to an instrumental arrangement of The 12 Days of Christmas while shopping at the grocery store. You may think it wouldn't be as obnoxious, but I tell you, it is 10 times worse! Do you realize how repetitive that song is melodically? Definitely a BAD idea.

Give me a sign

One of the things I love about coming home to Bountiful is passing the church on 400 N. and 400 E. that always has some cheesy saying on their marquee. I love how much effort they must put into these sayings. They often change it on a weekly basis, but sometimes it takes them a little longer (inspiration is just harder to come by some days, right?). This week (and last) it said something to the effect of "Various fruits create many jams"--yeah, I don't think I have it quite right, but their's didn't make much more sense that that version.

On my mission, there were such signs on every other corner, especially in Burlington Iowa. I think my favorite from there (and I've seen variations elsewhere) said something along the lines of "Don't let the next time you go to church be in a hearse." Classic! The "God reads knee-mail" one was also from my mission. (BTW, you can make your own church sign here.)

Often when I pass church signs (which doesn't happen very often--Provo/Orem is sadly lacking in this area . . . at least the streets I drive on), I think of good ol' Ron Crummett and the classic "Free Beer" story (I don't think I can count on two hands how many times I heard that story told). For those of you who may not be familiar with Ron Crummett or the free beer story it is this:

Ron and his brother, who lived in Boise?, randomly decided it would be really funny if a church marquee said "Free Beer." So, whenever they passed a church they would look to see if the right letters were present. They never were. Finally, when Ron's brother was on his mission, Ron saw the right letters. He stopped, made the girl he was with stand watch, and he changed the letters around to say "Free Beer". Reportedly the next day at ward council, one of the counselors from the bishopbric said something like, "Hey, that church down the road has figured out how to get people to come to church" and then relayed what he saw. Ron's dad (aka Brother Crummett), who was present at ward council, and who also knew about his sons' ongoing joke about church signs, returned home not too pleased with Ron's success. (Does that sound about right you guys. I think he may have done it one other time, but who knows.) Anywho, pretty funny. I still sometimes look to see if the "right" letters are there.

So do any of you have a favorite church sign saying? Or maybe some of you are budding church sign saying creators. Either way, please share. If your memory/creative juices need a little jump-start you can go here. I can't wait to see what little gems you all come up with.

What I've been up to

Well friends, it's a miracle, but it is true: I have not practiced more than an hour each day since my recital (that of course doesn't include orchestra rehearsals). I'm sure I'll be up to a couple of hours again after the novelty wears off, but for now I don't mind.

"So," you ask, "what have you been doing with all that spare time?" Well, I will tell you.

1. Laughing!--I typically smile and laugh a fair amount, perhaps more than the average American. But I don't often participate in uncontrollable, side-splitting, tear-producing laughter. I'm not entirely sure why, but everything this week has struck me as unbelievably funny. I've been laughing during orchestra rehearsals, at students' lessons (don't worry, not at them), in the library, while listening to the radio, and in the middle of concerts (actually, it was intermission, but Leslie and I did exchange a few silent giggles during the concert). My abs actually were sore yesterday as a result!

2. Causing discussions among the faculty--Apparently they've been holding meetings to consider awarding me the violin professorship. J/k! So, about a week ago I sent an e-mail to a couple of faculty inquiring about a class I need in order to graduate, which isn't being offered (an oversight on their part). I received a response (which was copied to several other faculty) saying something to the effect of, "Yeah, yeah, everything is cool, just talk to the adviser." The next day I received an e-mail from the adviser saying, "Heather, so-and-so doesn't know what they're talking about. Don't do anything until you hear from me." And for the past week as I've seen various faculty in the hall they've said things such as, "Hey we just had a meeting about your 505B case" and "We're working on 505B for you" and my personal favorite: one of the faculty added me as a friend on facebook and then this week wrote on my wall, "Good luck with 505B." Wow, I had no idea so many people had to get involved in order to get a class added to the registration.

So, at my lesson on Wednesday, Kory and I were discussing everything that is coming up for me, including this 505B course. We both had some questions about the format of the course, so he called the grad studies chair (Dr. D.) and we ended up at his office. Well he (Dr. D.) shared with me some e-mails that had been sent about the issue (not really answering our simple question about the format of the class), and in the midst of the discussion another involved faculty member walked by, so they pulled her into the office. Well they're all discussing everything except what I needed to know, answering each others' questions with questions, talking in circles and sort of misunderstanding each other. It was incredible. So they called the graduate adviser in. The debate and circles continued for a moment until finally everyone was miraculously on the same page (the conclusion being the one I had initially come to). They never did answer my question, but at least I received an e-mail the next day saying I could add the course. Academia is an interesting world!

3. I washed my car--It had been months! It was filthy. I realized it could not be put off any longer last week when the grime was dripping as the frost melted. I guess this means it will rain in a day or two, but at least it's cleaner than it was!

4. Observing information--I'm trying really hard to get motivated to write this paper. So I've been looking up information in books, online, and at the library. And I've really enjoyed my time doing so! I love walking through the stacks and discovering a random score of music I didn't know about, or learning about new persons connected with historical figures. Often to the point where I get distracted from the topic I'm actually studying. I find it much more interesting to observe a large amount of data than to focus in on a very specific portion of that data. So I decided that if I ever have a career in academia it will be this: observer of data. I'll let other people record and compare that information. I just want to notice it.

5. Attending fabulous concerts--The Guarneri String Quartet is one of the preeminent string quartets in the world. They've been together for 40 years and they're going to be retiring within the next year or two. They performed last night at BYU and it was really fantastic playing. They played as "one". I can't really describe it very succinctly and in non-musical terms, so I'm not going to attempt to right here. But it was music-making at its best (though you could tell the first violinist is getting old--his vibrato was just a little slower and wider than a younger man's).

6. Reading blogs--Keep them coming!

7. Missing this guy--No, no. Not that one. The one on the right.
Royce has been flying around for interviews for internships and it seems like he's been gone more than he's been here the past couple of weeks. But don't worry, he had his last one today! (Yeah, I know, I stole the picture from your facebook profile Royce. Hope you don't mind.)

Not a joke

First of all, my deepest apologies to those of you who may have been traumatized by my last post. Hopefully by now you have read the explanation in my comments. If not, I encourage you to do so now.

Now, a post about an event that really happened.



My graduate recital!

It was this morning, and it went pretty great actually. I was a little bit nervous, but I countered that by telling myself that it's not about playing perfectly. It's really just about having a musical experience--about sharing my love of music with the audience. Which I think I did.

It was interesting to hear people's feedback about what they liked best. I was pleasantly surprised how many people liked the Bach best. Delighted actually, because that's my favorite thing to play. I worry, though, about it being entertaining enough for the audience. It's a little more introspective and thoughtful than the other works. But apparently people got it. Perhaps if I ever figure out the video application I'll put part of it on here.

Not too much else to say. Oh, I had a pretty fantastic outfit. Hopefully someone took pictures with a digital camera so I can post them.

And thanks to all of you who came (this week and last)--I really appreciate the sacrifices you made to be there. And those of you who couldn't come but wanted to, thanks to you too. I still feel the love.