I've discovered something about myself (or maybe I've always known and just been in denial): I am a selfish person! I don't mean selfish in the sense that I'm a college student and therefore am only focusing on my education and not serving other people, etc. I mean that I am constantly only worried about me, about how others peoples' actions affect me, about how they inconvenience or offend me.
For instance, today there was a person playing the piano in the adjacent practice room, pounding out something they obviously made up. I was going crazy. I thought to myself, "Why does this talentless individual feel the need to play fake music in a room next to me, who am a talented graduate student?" Can we see the problem here? Good heavens! How about I just pray for the Lord to strip me of the gifts which He has lovingly, and I'm assuming trustingly, given me. Why should it inconvenience me if a person has a desire to create music, and therefore does it in the best way they know how, even if that consists of trying to learn every piece by John Schmidt? If they feel like they've accomplished something great and something hard, who am I to say, "Pshah, you think you're cool now, but you're not. Now get out of my building." Of course they're cool! Just the same as if I learn a difficult concerto, even though it may be mediocre, I'm cool for doing my best, even though Oistrakh and Perlman and Heifetz and Joshua Bell and Hillary Hahn can all do it 100 times better.
I think it would be like me going to the BYU pool (which has been one of my goals for months, and which I'm GOING to do as soon as they reopen it) and having the person I share a lane with think, and/or say, "You shouldn't be here. This pool is for people that actually know how to swim and have good form. If you're going to bother trying, do it somewhere where you won't be in my way." I can't think of anybody that would do that (except, I suppose, myself). Sigh!
I've actually been thinking about this a lot. When I drive I think, "Ooh, shame on that person that is going the speed limit when I want to go faster," or "Doesn't that person realize that I need to be in that lane and it's not my fault I didn't get over sooner?" or in general, "Why can't everybody just get out of my way! If it weren't for everyone else, I'd have gotten there 10 minutes ago!"
I'm also selfish in my situation with rommates, customer service people, and even people at church (funny story this last Sunday about that, which probably should not be shared on a blog). Multiple times each day I dwell on some way in which other people are "in my way" or "bugging me" or not considering my expert opinion on how things "ought to be done." I think if I thought in the opposite direction (ways that I might be inconveniencing other people) I would become really depressed.
I apologize for being so frank and open about my shortcomings. I hope I haven't disillusioned any of you--I suppose most of you know me too well to be surprised. I share this only because I hope that by admitting my shortcoming it will lead to quicker repentance. I've got the confession part down, now if I can just manage the forsaking part. Wish me luck!
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5 comments:
Oh Heather... I'm with you. As soon as I started reading I thought about when I drive! "Ooh, shame on that person that is going the speed limit when I want to go faster"--it's like you read my brain when you wrote that. It's so hard to NOT be selfish though--at least for me. It's something I'm constantly working on.
Glad you posted again! I am WITH you on selfishness. I spend so much time in my own head--worrying about how I feel or how others view me. Forgetting myself seems to be the key to solving a lot of the little problems in my life...thanks for reminding me to work harder at it.
I'm sorry Rusty, I know you were being serious, but I laughed my butt off the whole time I read that. You don't even know what real selfish is. I've lived with you and spent 24/7 with you. You, my friend, are not selfish. You are not perfect either, and you're not supposed to be, you should be striving. If you were perfect, who needs a Savior? I know you are just trying to be a better person and I applaud you for that. But don't beat yourself up so much. Real selfish is the woman who left her child in the car with the valet but took her dog in to shop. (this happened where I worked) Selfish is the mother I saw from the mission this week that is going to marry the man who sexually abused her daughter, and the daughter still lives there.
Definitly trying to be better is the point of the gospel, but remember we are all a work in progress, and you ain't doing half bad.
A much needed read for me, too Heather! Unselfishness really is the key to happiness. How forgettable that fact is!!! looking forward to seeing you Friday!
we are of one mind...I have been feeling this way a ton...so much so that I can't imagine having kids because I wouldn't want to take care of them if it interfered with what I wanted to do--before anyone rebuffs that-I'm sure it will happen :)
The best thing that works for me is that picture that person as a dear friend...would you have been irritated at the piano player if it had been Michelle or Lori? probably not...don't start hallucinating though-that's a worse problem...:) Love to you friend...see you soon!
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